1.
A man get a call girl and during a particularly good love making session decides to eat her out.
During his meal he notices a piece of carrot protruding from her lady lips, not wishing to cause a scene he throws the carrot over his shoulder and continues pleasuring her.
After a brief time he notices a small green pea wedged just under her clit, suddenly filled with disgust the man jumps up and screams his findings to the call girl.
He then proceeds to ask her are u sick or something?
The call girl looks at him sheepishly and says no, but the guy before you was.
3 thieves rob a bank
Three mice are sitting in a bar
2.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.
“Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
The husband replies, “I can’t believe that! Show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS.”
A old couple are sitting
Grandpa was telling his grandson
3.
A carpenter went home after shutting down his workshop.
A black poisonous cobra entered his workshop.
The cobra was hungry and hoped to find its supper lurking somewhere within.
It slithered from one end to another and accidentally bumped into a double-edged metal axe and got very slightly injured.
In anger and seeking revenge, the snake bit the axe with full force.
What could a bite do to a metallic axe? Instead the cobra’s mouth started bleeding.
Out of fury and arrogance, the cobra tried its best to strangle and kill the object that was causing it pain by wrapping itself very tightly around the blades.
The next day when the carpenter opened the workshop, he found a seriously cut, dead cobra wrapped around the axe blades.
The cobra died not because of someone else’s fault but faced these consequences merely because of its own anger and wrath.
Sometimes when angry, we try to cause harm to others but as time passes by, we realise that we have caused more harm to ourselves.
For a happy life, it’s best we should learn to ignore and overlook some things, people, incidents, affairs and matters.
It is not necessary that we show a reaction to everything.
Step back and ask yourself if the matter is really worth responding or reacting to.
Lets treat people with kindness even if they hurt you.
People that show no inclination to change, are best handled with silence and prayer.
This story can help us take some good decisions.
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend
A man walks into the front door of a bar
4.
A young blonde lady went on a tour trip on an old steam train that took the passengers through mountains and tunnels.
As the train approached a tunnel, the conductor hurriedly walked through the coaches warning passengers,
“Tunnel ahead. Look out!”
The blonde quickly stuck her head out the window, and her forehead met with the concrete entrance of the tunnel.
After being revived 15 minutes later, the blonde’s words were, “That stupid son of a b!tch he should have told me to look in!”
John goes to the deli for some soup
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
5.
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don’t know, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven.
If not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”
The philosopher stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings,” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell.
The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!”
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared.
The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct.
The mathematician also went to hell.
The idiot stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!”
The Devil brought forward a chair.
“Drill 7 holes on the seat.”
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from ?”
The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”
“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my bastard.”
The idiot went to Heaven.
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
6.
A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with
After the question, the woman doesn’t respond.
The man asks again “Just tell me, it’s fine. How many men have you slept with?”
His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the roof.
The man says “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…”
Still silence from his wife.
The man, giving up, says “It’s OK. Please don’t be upset.”
Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection.
While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses,
stops looking at the roof, looks at him, and upset,
tells her husband
, “Damn it! You made me lose count!”
A blonde named Anna
A woman goes to her doctor
7.
Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar.
Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him.
“So what would you like?”
Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him.
“Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.”
“OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!”
Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging “Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?”
A man wasn’t feeling well
The hospital staff kept telling Jim
8.
The boss calls his secretary and says, “Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip.”
The secretary calls husband and says, “Me and my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so take care of yourself.”
The husband calls his girlfriend and says, “My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun.”
The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition, “No tuition this weekend.”
The boy calls his grand father, “Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together.”
Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary and says, “Business trip is cancelled
I’m going to spend weekend with my grandson.”
The secretary calls husband, “I won’t be going.”
The husband calls his girlfriend, “I am sorry My wife is not going.”
The girlfriend calls boy, “You have tuition.”
Boy calls his grandpa and says, “Sorry grandpa I’ve classes.”
The grandpa calls secretary….
Atheist Is Attacked By A Bear
Hey lady, you are really ugly
9.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel..’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
A man dive in a nearby lake
A old man is walking along the street
10.
A dog and a cat were having an argument about who is the favorite of humans.
The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth canine after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”
The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog
A cows and two bulls are eating grass
11.
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.
Three guys are on a plane
One day there was this little girl watching TV
12.
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application.
The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”
“Yes” says the man.
“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”
“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application.
“At least I’m not a quitter.”
A plumber was called to a woman apartment
A couple had been married for 45 years
13.
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.
Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.
The pilots screams at him, “Didn’t you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!”
“Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!!”
After swearing loyalty to the Captain
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
14.
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner having a bite to eat.
After the meal they start to discuss their plans to expand the family moonshine business.
All of a sudden, the woman on the table next to theirs starts to cough.
It’s going on for a while, so Billy-Bob walks over and asks ‘kin ye swalla..?’
the woman shakes her head..
‘Kin ye breeve?’
as she turns a shade of blue, the woman shakes her head again
Without a seconds thought Billy-Bob lifts her dress, pulls her p**ties down and gives a long wet lick to her right b*m cheek.
So shocked by this the woman’s body shuddered with disgust and the blockage cleared with a jolt.
Billy-bob walks back to his table, Billy-Ray turns in amazement… ‘I done did hear about that Hind Lick Maneuver, but i didn’t see it be done before!’
A plane crashes
A woman was having a daytime affair
15.
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late.
He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, “I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school.
I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home.
If I didn’t clean it and freeze it, my mom would’ve been angry That’s why I’m so late”.
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal’s office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me.
I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me.
He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs
He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear.
The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me
What do you think of that, Johnny?”
Johnny replies, “Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky
That’s his third bear this week.”
A little turtle
A beautiful parrot
16.
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking,
‘That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’
She answered……’THE TEETH.
A biker walks into front door of a bar
She was going around in turn asking
17.
Two old men are sat on a bench at the park.
A young, smoking hot girl runs past in a sports corset and a tiny pair of shorts.
One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.
“Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?” she says.
The old man sweetly replies “My dear I’m not smiling at you, I’m smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets,
there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man.”
The girl replies “awwwww you sweet old man” leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.
The old man turns to his friend and says “3 to zip mugley, your turn.”
A female teacher was having a problem
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
18.
A husband sends a text to his wife.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office.
Tina brought me to the hospital.
They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious.
Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife’s Response: Who is Tina?
A elderly priest dies and goes to heaven
A man boarded a plane with six kids
19.
A 72-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing “fairly well” for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn’t resist asking the doctor,
“Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
The doctor asked,
“Well, do you smoke or drink beer?”
“Oh no,” Edgar replied, “I’ve never done either.”
Then the doctor asked,
“Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barb-qued ribs?”
Edgar said, “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” the doctor asked.
“No, I don’t,” Edgar replied.
Then the doctor asked,
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?”
“No,” Edgar said,
“I don’t do any of those things.”
The good doctor looked at Edgar and said,
“Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?”
The 6th-grade science teacher
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail
20.
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special.
She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”
“Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling,
“SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… undressed.
One day, there were two boys
Grandpa what is couple
21.
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
Because he also told me he was an doubter.
“Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway.
Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
Three guys die and go to heaven
A elderly couple is having their 75th anniversary
22.
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband,
“What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.
A little boy said Grandpa
A young couple got married
23.
Wife: Where are you?
Husband: At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixer.
Husband: turns mixer on Rrrreeereeeereeee…
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.
Another day Suspicious Wife: Where are you?
Husband: At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixer.
Husband: turns mixer on Rrreeereeeereeee…
Wife: OK my love goodbye.
The next day, the wife decides to go home without notice, and finds her son alone and she asks him:
“Son, where is your father?”
Son: “I don’t know, he went out with the mixer.”
Johnny and his family were having dinner
A elderly couple was celebrating their anniversary
24.
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy.
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building,
then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!”
The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman
My son’s teacher
A bartender is working one evening
25.
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of “WOW”! were heard.
A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck
Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
I’ve made a severe and continuous
My friend has trouble attracting women
26.
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
27.
It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? Pause as he listens. How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”
The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
A teacher said to her student
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
28.
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”
A woman stood up at a local pub
A guy walks into a bar
29.
Out on the prairie, a farmer is tending to his flock of grazing sheep, when suddenly a brand new BMW pulls up on a nearby road.
The man in the car is dressed in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and an expensive tie.
He sticks his head out of the car window and loudly calls to the farmer, “If I can count how many sheep you’ve got grazing there, would you let me take one of the sheep with me?”
The farmer looks at the man, then at his dispersed flock of sheep, and yells back, “Fine by me!”
The man drives up next to the farmer and sets up his Dell Notebook on his car’s hood.
The man then uses his iPhone to establish a 4G connection to NASA.
He connects to a GPS system, pulls the exact coordinates and relays them to another satellite which subsequently scans the grazing area with a high-definition camera.
Without breaking a sweat he opens the image in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany Within a few seconds his iPad receives an email saying “picture processed and data stored”, after which he logs in to an MS-SQL database via ODBC and exports the data to an Excel sheet containing lots of advanced formulas.
He then relays his data to Xircom, and within seconds he gets a reply.
The man finishes his technical wizardry by printing a 150 page report using his high-tech HP Color Laser Jet.
He casually glances at the documents and says to the farmer: “Hmm… You’ve got exactly 156 animals here.”
“That’s right,” says the farmer, “a deal’s a deal – you’re welcome to one of the sheep.”
The farmer looks on as the man walks around deciding on which sheep to pick, after which the man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his brand new car.
The farmer then says, “Tell you what, if I can guess your profession, would you give me back my sheep?”
The man considers this for a moment, and then replies, “Sure Let’s hear it then, what do I do?”
“You’re a consultant,” says the farmer.
“That’s right!” exclaims the man with surprise, “How on Earth did you know?”
“It’s a no-brainier,” says the farmer, “you came here without being asked, you charged me for something that I already knew and you haven’t got the faintest clue about my line of work.
So be a sport, open the trunk and give me back my dog!”
A couple stays at the Watergate Hotel
A wood-chopping contest
30.
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife,
“Dear, there is something that I must ask you It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.”
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.
But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed.
“Yes, Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks,
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
